It's been too long

and i probably shouldn't be doing this because i have a LOT to do right now. But i can't function. i can't focus. i'm too stressed out and tense. i'm so nervous about my upcoming finals that i can't look at a page in my book long enough to absorb the information. vocab slides right out of my head the moment i turn the page, and i couldn't tell anyone the difference between and oligarchy and anarchy if i tried (i do know the difference, by the way, just don't ask). i'm getting depressed, too, which is bad for me. i lost myself in a book today instead of paying attention to the teacher, and snapped at my dad when he asked me what homework i had (because i didn't know). i need some serious help, here.

whenever i'm feeling down, i like to do good for other people. it makes me feel better, if not about myself, then about the person i helped. maybe they're having a better day than i am, at least. my school is doing this thing called "Flat Daddies" where they print a life-size picture of a soldier who's overseas and can't be with his family for Christmas, and then give it to them so that he can be 'home' for the holidays. i donated $20 of my birthday money. the people collecting it were so happy (their baskets were empty when i was there). they said i was one of the biggest contributers and wanted me to take a picture for some article in a magazine i think. they must have thanked me ten times or something, and i felt pretty good, but it was weird.

this past Sunday the lead pastor in our church gave a sermon about giving. he said that people mostly just give to make themselves feel better, or just because they have some extra change after buying a liter of coke. i don't want to be like that, but i do want to give. i do want to help people. i thought i should feel a certain way, totally selfless, but i felt selfish, like i hadn't made a difference and had just given that little bit of my money for my own emotional gain. i still don't understand it. it's like it wasn't enough of a sacrifice, like i should have given the spare change and my favorite two-dollar bills, too. i remember that story in the bible, about the poor woman who gave all she had to the church, and Jesus told his disciples that she was the most righteous of all the people who gave. i wonder if i'm like the ones who withheld, if i'm a selfish hypocrite.

what is a random act of kindness, if it is planned? then it's not random...duh. but what if it's planned to be random? what if i brought peppermints to school on finals day and gave them to all my friends, telling them that one mint made them smarter for ten minutes ("smarter" being a relative term, i suppose)? what if i planned to be randomly kind, just to make someone's day? is that weird? i don't know. i should really get back to studying, now. i feel better after all that, maybe i'll be able to focus again.

read a good book, eat good chocolate.
Ali ;)